Damaris wrote:

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Sadly, this is exactly the kind of man I attract most of the time.  I have absolutely no idea why.  There's nothing in my demeanor, personality or appearance that would make someone like this think I would be interested.  Even if I WAS interested, what would I have to say to him?  "You like the Hilton?  Me too!".  OMFG.

Sorry if I sound like a snotty bitch... I just wish guys would think for a second before they put out this kind of stuff.

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Wow... I would never think of going out with a guy that puts "Playboy" on his profile. Geez.
Well, the kind of guys I attract are freaks and geeks. Which sometimes is not so bad.. sometimes the geeks can be sweet, and if you're lucky, they're the kind where- you fix their hair and get them contacts and take care of the skin problems, and they're pretty cute! Haha! But yeah. I'm quite unlucky in the guy department. And I know why. It's not about my looks, it's about my personality. I'm unsociable. And hey, I'll admit, I'm kind of weird. But that's what I'm looking for- a guy that's not a carbon copy. Someone that stands out. :) Just haven't found that guy yet. And the one I want is going out with one of my friends.

In retrospect, I know it wasn't cool to kiss him on the first date.  I'm afraid that by doing that, I have led him to believe that I would be up for a lot of things very quickly... but it's been literally YEARS since I've kissed anyone.  I had almost forgotten how it feels.  So I did it because I was hungry for that feeling again.

I don't know why I'm still OK with going out with him after talking about sex so much and being a cheapskate.  I guess it's because he's the first halfway normal guy I've met who was available and reasonably attractive AND wanted to date me.  Every person I've spoken with (mostly men - my coworker, father, brother and hairdresser) have all said that this guy is a first-chair LOSER and he's only wanting to get me in his own city because that's where his bed is... they've all said that, for at least the first 4 or 5 dates, he should be driving over here, picking me up, taking on a REAL date and paying for everything, and bringing me home.  They have all said this is what a REAL man would do for a woman he likes... what he's doing is a wimpy attempt to bed me in exchange for as little effort as he can possibly get away with.  They've said he's a cheapskate, he's disrespectful and has no class.

Yeah, that's what everyone else has been saying.  And while I agree, there's always this little bitty part of me that thinks, "Well, maybe he's been burned by women before who tried to use him for his money", yadda yadda yadda. 

And really, he ain't THAT cute.  LOL.  No man is cute enough to date for that reason alone.  But for what it's worth, I really don't see us getting together again.  He acted kind of passive on the phone after he told me that he had to break our date and maybe we can get together later.  I'm not saying he's lying about his mom being hurt... he could very well be telling the truth.  But he didn't sound all that upset on the phone, and it does seem strange that he couldn't contact me sooner.  He waits until just a couple of hours before our date, when he has known about it since the day before?  And I know he wasn't happy about the idea of meeting me halfway anyway.

I have went on a lot of dates since I was 16 years old... a LOT of dates.  And after awhile, you start to pick up on the little signals and nuances that tell you whether or not a man has any real interest in you.  He was off work Friday and Saturday, he knew that I've been working a lot of overtime lately and packing my stuff (I move next weekend), yet in the beginning he still expected me to drive to a strange town 2 hours away instead of offering to meet somewhere closer.  He never called in the past couple of days to say that he's looking forward to our date, or to just chat or whatever... you know, the normal things that a man would do when he's met a girl that he really likes.  I don't expect 3-hour phone conversations - in fact, I don't even WANT them.  I don't like to talk on the phone very much anyway.  But the fact that he never thought to do that (or even email me) says a lot... it says that he's not really into me at all. 

OMG... I just Googled his name and found his LiveJournal account.  THE SONOFABITCH LIED TO ME!!!!  Here is his journal entry for May 7th, 2006.

My mom, who is now diabetic, forgot to eat enough carbs one meal last week and passed out. When she came to, she discovered that she had sprained both of her ankles. Being horribly arthritic and... ah... a larger person, she hasn't been the most mobile of people for some time now, and spraining her ankles just about laid her up entirely. Fortunately some friends came by and helped with the day-to-day things, but she gave me a call and asked for me to come down this weekend and help her. Mom NEVER calls... not because she doesn't love me, but because she doesn't want to drive me nuts as my dad's mom did. I keep telling her she can call if she want, but to no avail. So not only her calling but her asking for help rattled me a bit... this is a side of mom I haven't ever seen before. Ah well.

What are the odds that exactly the same thing would happen, in exactly the same manner???  I know for a fact that he did not accidentally put in the wrong date, because LiveJournal puts in the date for you when you post an entry.  Also, May 7th was on a Sunday, not a Saturday.  Did this idiot not think that I would Google his name???  That's common procedure nowadays for anyone in the dating scene... everyone does it.  I put in his name and immediately got a link to his LiveJournal (which was public, BTW).  What a flaming idiot.  I knew from the moment he opened his mouth that he was lying to me.  I just needed the proof.

Damaris,  This guy sounds like a total jerk. Its not you, it sounds like he doesn't treat women properly.  Instead of thinking if he likes you or not, you need to think if You like him, which should matter more.  This guy sounds like the type that break's women's hearts . He sounds like a self centered jerk.

OK, here's the dealio...

So I posted a reply to his journal entry at the suggestion of a friend (thanks, Stephanie!).  I posted it anonymously.  I knew that he would know who posted it.

 

It's horrible that this has happened to her twice in the past five months... five months onthe dot, in fact. Your mother is very lucky to have you to take care of her. I know a lot of people who would blow it off, but thankfully you're not like that.

So why won't she eat her carbs? I mean, you'd think after this happened the first time she'd learn to like spaghetti or something :) And her poor ankles... that's just awful. I can't imagine breaking them twice, within a five month span.

At any rate, I hope three times isn't a charm... this is very sad, but eerie as well.

 

Later this evening, I got this response….

 

Looks like you found my lifejournal.  So what else have you found out about me? ;)

Yeah, this is the second time this has happened, and mom's pretty embarassed.  She said she was a little distracted doing some family research, and forgot to eat.  Fortunately she only sprained her ankles rather than break them, so she'll be all right.  I just ran out and did some grocery shopping and brought in some take-out, and she enjoyed the company.

Sadly enough mom has a history of falling down... she takes nearly a dozen different medications, and one time she got a combination that caused her to start passing out while she was walking.  Fortunately she got that fixed up pretty quicly.

So how was your weekend?  Sorry again that we missed each other.  So, would you be up for me coming by on Sunday around lunchtime for a moving break?  Like I said, I could help hoist things if you need me to! 

Anyway, I'll talk to you soon!

Tulsa Dude

 

He seems incredibly calm about the fact that I found his blog… so here's my question:  if this guy is a player, how far would he reasonably take this?  Is he for real, or is this some sort of elaborate joke?

So against my better judgement (and I can't even begin to list all of the unfortunate incidents in my dating life that have started with those five words), I agreed to meet Mr. Tulsa at the Boulevard Cafè 501 for lunch. 

He called a few days ago, catching me knee-deep in proverbial snakes and alligators, as I was not only in the middle of The Second Great Junk Migration of 2006 but have also been working some overtime and have been doing research to help proofread and format a friend of a friend's (who in retrospect is also a friend, but a newer one) report in one of her senior classes.   On top of hashing out some new ideas for stories I want to tackle as soon as I get settled in, I've been a bit busy, so I was quite surprised to hear that he was willing to drive to Edmond to see me for lunch today.  He arranged the date and time, but asked me to pick a place.  I chose Cafè 501 because it was a unique, cute little place with great food at affordable prices.  Of course, I left this last little bit out when I told him about it.  The first words out of his mouth?  "And the prices are reasonable, right?".  Oh, YEAH, as if I'm gonna soak anyone for a freakin' $7 appetizer, a $18 steak dinner, two glasses of wine and dessert.  As IF!!!  CRACKA, PLEASE!!!  I'm an iced-tea-and-salad kinda gal.  I'm one of these people who is impressed with any restaurant that uses cloth napkins.  I do not do spendy.

So we meet at the restaurant.  Me, in full-on Barbie mode, had taken the time to fix her hair, put on makeup and perfume (all of which I have not done in the past few days, because I just haven't felt like it) and wore a really cute cream V-neck sweater with little sparkly threads in it (just a few, nothing too gaudy), with a matching gray/red/black/tan plaid miniskirt with more sparkly threads.  Topped with my Harry Hines bling and little sparkly bobby pins in my hair (can you tell that I LOVE sparkly?), I was like a 5'11", slighty too curvy, Sunday Brunch Fairy, floating into the cafè on the wings of renewed hope, optimism and a vague sense of mild desperation.  Please, please, please let him prove to me that he's a gentleman... please let him prove to me that he's not a complete jerk, I thought to myself.  So he shows up, wearing something slightly nicer than he wore on our first date... a pair of jeans that were NOT torn or stained in any way (at least, not where I could see), a green V-neck sweater and tennis shoes. 

After we sit down, we have much to talk about over the next 5-10 minutes as we peruse the brunch menu.  As I consider the possibilities, I can't help but wonder if he's actually going to follow through and pay this time.  I am not gonna lie...I really did kinda sorta hope that he would bring me flowers.  Now don't get me wrong... I don't knock "points" off a guy or off a date if there are no flowers, as I've only gotten them three times from a man in my whole life, and one of those times involved a harried secretary and a bouquet of carnations that were quite wilted and had to be cleaned off her desk before she went on vacation (ask me how I know this... go ahead, I dare ya).  It's certainly not something I expect, but it's a nice little bonus.  But no, there were no flowers... just him.  But that's OK.

So after we order (I had an iced tea, "tropical passion" flavor, and a salad with apples, crumbles of bleu cheese and pine nuts - he had a ham and cheese sandwich and pasta salad), we continue with our conversation.  A couple of things I noticed:

1.)  He has a little trouble looking me in the eye... but a lot of people are like that.  They don't feel comfortable looking directly at people, for whatever reason.  I, on the other hand, might do it TOO much).

2.)  He brought up a couple of topics which I thought were kind of odd the first time they were mentioned, but were REALLY odd the second time - specifically, the concept of sexuality and sexual "labels", and how they are really more of a self-realized concept than one that is created by society - for example (and please do not take this as racial or sexual stereotyping on my part - I'm only quoting this guy directly), black men who claim they're straight, yet fool around with other guys in secret - this is apparently called "downlow", or white "rednecks" who claim you're not gay if you're on top.  This concept, almost word for word in the case of "downlow", somehow found itself in our conversation on our first date as well.  No clue how it happened... he just kind of threw it in there.

So at this point, I'm thinking... Is he trying to tell me something?

Eventually he gets around to asking me why I didn't want to come down to Tulsa for our first date.... was it because I don't know my way around Tulsa, or was there more to it?  I told him that I didn't feel comfortable meeting a stranger in a strange city, and he in return asked if I was uncomfortable with the distance between us.  My reply?  "Well, you saw on my profile that I was looking for someone within 50 miles of Oklahoma City, and you wrote to me anyway, so I assumed you were OK with driving.".  I'm not trying to be a rigid, controlling bitch when I say that.  It was HIS decision to correspond with me, even when he knew I was looking for someone closer and didn't know how to get around Tulsa.  He lives down by the river!  (not in a van, though... at least, that's what he says.).  I mean, DAMN!!  Did he really expect me to drive all the way down there?  If he sees on my ad that I live in Oklahoma City, and he still wants to meet me, I can only assume that he doesn't have a problem with travel.  In return, I don't have a problem with traveling to Tulsa once I get to know him a little better.  Four emails and a phone call does not constitute "getting to know him a little better". 

So then he wants to know if I really have a problem with the distance between us, especially since I may be working a second job on the weekends soon, since he'd like me to go to Octoberfest in Tulsa next weekend.  I simply told him that we would just have to take it one day at a time, try to see each other when we could, and see what happens.  That's really all you can do in life... just work at it a little at a time and hope for the best.  I also told him that if HE has a problem with it, I would fully understand, and that I would never want him to feel coerced into seeing me if his schedule doesn't allow it.  He was fine with that... the warm and fuzzy feelings were flowing high and free, and all was right with the world.

Then, the waitress brought the check.

She sat it exactly between us and waltzed away.  I was almost certain that she and the other waitresses were silently watching us at this point, waiting to see what would happen.  Did he bring his hairy boys with him along with his wallet?  Was he gonna step up and pay the check?  Minutes ticked by.  I smiled at the universe.  He smiled at the universe.  The test of our budding relationship, safely encased in a black leather folder, sat between us, defining the hazy line between liberated dating etiquette and old-school manners.  He asked me out... he arranged the time and date... he left me to pick the place but it was mutually agreed upon before arrival.  He drove up here to see me on his insistence.  Was he going to pay for lunch?  As I saw the anxiety welling up in his weary eyes, glancing down at the folder and then at me, my mind silently tallied the effort made between us compared to the first date.  We drove halfway to see each other... we mutually agreed on the date in the first place (he said he wanted to meet me, I picked the time and date and chose to meet halfway vs. me driving to see him), and I was quietly nudged into paying my half.  What would come of THIS instance?

After a few minutes of awkwardness, he finally opened the folder.  It was exactly $20, including tax.  He leans back and reaches for his wallet, opening it gingerly as if it were a feral hamster about to bite his thumb off.

"So... you gonna pitch in $10?"

I must have given him one hell of a shocked, aghast look, despite the fact that (sadly) I was neither.  I told him that, since he had asked me out, I assumed he would pay, just like I would expect to pay if I asked HIM out.  To me, that's not old-fashioned or chivalrous... that's just common sense.

The conversation proceeded as follows.

HIM: (sputtering and blushing) "Oh, I'm sorry, I thought I made myself clear on our first date.  All of my dates are Dutch treat.  Um, wow, yeah, uh.... yeah.... this is really kinda awkward for me.".

ME:  "On our first date, you said you don't mind paying sometimes, but that other times you prefer things be split, and that you're not a 'tit-for-tat' kind of guy.  You asked me out, so I just assumed you were paying".

HIM:  "Um... wow... uh.... well....."

ME:  "You know what?  I'm not going to make this awkward for you." (said brightly, with a ridiculous amount of sweetness and charm).  "I'll pay my half.".

HIM:  "Oh... uh... OK."

So we split the check, and as soon as we signed our slips, I grabbed my coat and purse and headed for the door with him scrambling behind me.  "Well, I can at least walk you to your car".  I agreed to let him do that, but in the back of my mind, I'm trying to figure out how I can tell him that he's got absolutely no grace, tact or charm.  I was expected to sit with him (at his insistence) and listen to him rehash his theories on gay sex and why I suck for not driving two hours to Tulsa, only to be coerced into paying my bill because he's inconsiderate and I'm a first-chair pushover who apparently CAN say "no" but only at the wrong times?

As I open my car door, he says, "Well, hopefully we'll get together sometime next weekend?".  I smile sweetly and say, "We'll just have to see how our schedules work out.".  Then he gives me that stiff, dorky little half-hug that you give a girl at the end of a date when you're pretty sure you'll never see her again but you want an excuse to feel her tits against you one last time.

So... was I a bitch for acting like that?

Hey "D", don't take it personally! This idiot spent what he would have spent on your portion on his gas to get to your city. That's why he should have listened to you about dating someone outside of your area! What do ya' think? Right?

Tell him to save his gas money and find him a cheap local gal!

Life is too short, time is precious ...you should not loose your time with idiot like that Damaris. Once again , you worth better than that