Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was
"something
wrong" with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his room.
"He's
just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you
Help?" I put my best hamster-healer statement on my face and followed
him
into his bedroom. One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his
back,
looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do. "Honey," I called,
"come
look at the hamster!" "Oh my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute.
"She's having babies." "What?" my son demanded. "But their names are
Bert
and Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we
didn't
want them to reproduce," I accused my wife. "Well, what do you want me
to
do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired. (I actually think she
said
this
sarcastically!) "No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded
her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth
together). "Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed. "Well, it's just a
little
hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me. (Again with the
sarcasm, you think?)

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I
shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be a
wondrous experience, I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle
of
birth."
"OH, Gross!", they shrieked. "Well, isn't THAT just Great! what are we
going to do with a litter of tiny little hamster babies?" my wife
wanted to
know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too. don't you?) 
We
peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny
foot
would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted. "Its breech," my
wife whispered, horrified. "Do something, Dad!" my son urged. "Okay,
okay."
Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared,
giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times
with
the same results.

"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they
could
talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females
in my
house?)  "Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the
vet
with my son holding the cage in his lap.

Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

"I don't think hamsters do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can
be
so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing,
but
this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little
animal through a magnifying glass.

"What do you think, Doc, a c-section?" I suggested scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak
to
you privately for a moment?"

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside. "Is Ernie going to be
okay?"
my wife asked. "Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This hamster is
not in
labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy."

"What?" "You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come
into maturity, like most male species, they um....um....masturbate.
Just
the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife.
"Well,
you know what I'm saying, Mr Cameron."

We were silent, absorbing this.

"So Ernie's just...just...Excited," my wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More silence.
Then
my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even
laugh
loudly.

"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the
woman I
married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.
Tears
were now running down her face. "It's just... that...I'm picturing you
pulling on its...its...teeny little..." she gasped for more air to
bellow
in laughter once more. "That's enough," I warned. We thanked the
Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the hamsters and our son back into
the
car. He was glad everything was going to be okay. "I know Ernie's
really
thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me. "Oh, you have NO
idea," my
wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

2 - Hamsters - 10 bucks...
1 - Cage - 20 bucks
Trip to the Vet ...30 bucks...
Pictures of your hubby pulling on the hamster's
wacker........Priceless!